Last Free Man

1000 for the new year

 

Just barely inside 2008 I hit 1000 miles using the Nike+ running system.  My New Year's resolution is the same as the last few years, more miles, more miles, more miles!  Happy New Year to all!

The Bono solution!

I am on a serious Nyquil, Dayquil, Sudafed, mixed with Benadryl bender.  I have been down with disease as Phish so eloquently put it for over a week now.  This mind numbing sinus pressure mixed with copious amounts of drainage and 16 hours of sleep a day have led to some Zen-like enlightenment.  I realized through this week that I do not want daily pain (other than the post run meltdown), I do not want to be bed ridden, and I do not want a slow wasting death.  I would prefer a fantastic end, maybe a shark attack, a weekend explosive gone bad, or a good old fashioned violent (but fast) aneurysm!  Like I stated earlier I dreamed for about 70% of this last week and journey did I...

Mostly frivolous dreams of acid-like trance mixed with sex weirdity and video game levelingsequences.  Those questsjust keep repeating in your head like math problems kind of stuff.  Last night however after slowly coming out of the fog of sinus terror, I was well lubed on Nyquil as I passed out.  The dream began strangely as usual with me being overly concerned about the relentless pain I was in and how to stop it.  I journeyed to a place of desolation and white buildings, a sciency place.  Once inside the lobby I did my normal "guy working on the computers brush off" to the building's security and got right in (if I had a dollar for every instance I have gained access to places in Atlanta by Jedi-mind-tricking the doleful security staff, Warren Buffett would invest in me...)

Once Inside this facility, I seemed to be looking for answers, perhaps to this condition of being I was enslaved to.  Either way I was lurking around, skulking actually, as I was in dire pain and my presence was only barely being cloaked.  I was tightly gripping my digital for some reason, it was an older model cell of the giant Nextel persuasion.  I made my way up 100's of flights of stairs as the dream transformed into the Shinra building sequence in Final fantasy 7.  I came out on an ultra secure, grid based floor with some serious experimentation happening.  I felt my phone which I had been tightly clutching for so much of the climb start to vibrate, it felt hot in my hand.  Then it exploded into a fantastic fireball alerting everyone on the floor to my presence!  I looked down at my now mangled hand and was lead deeper into the labyrinth by some heavy handed security types.

This is where they took me, just like all the bond villains, deeper into the lair, into their secrets and knowledge.  They informed me they were secretly curing the disease, the worldwide plague.  They had a plan and they were spilling it all to me, just like every crappy B movie, I was getting full disclosure.  That’s when they took me to the most secret, smoky room of all, the one with lots of locks and bleepy bleeps.  When they opened this vault of a door and the seal broke, who was standing there but the most self-important, mega-award winning, all knowing God of all?  Jesus, Allah, Buddha?  No...

It was Bono...  Yes pock marked, awful, Irish, U2 front man, hell world front man Bono.  My mind raced, I suddenly started hoping this was some sort of awful testing facility, perhaps even one that dealt only in extreme cases of narcissistic assholes with red iPods.  How wrong was I no, these guys had a much more sinister plan and Bono was right there in the fray, yeah yeah yeah!  Uggh My mind reeled again back to a night I got stuck with only two bottles of wine at a mature party with working professionals (in my age range,) that suddenly went on for four plus extra hours because some jerk brought out two U2 DVDs, with extras... I tried to die of alcohol poisoning but there just weren't enough bottles around to facilitate me, so I just languished in the awfulness of it all, the horror, the horror...

I snapped back and listened intently as the chosen one himself spoke in an almost overtly fake Irish accent.  They spoke about the great plan, the master plan, the Bono solution.  As I pieced together the details the way it would work is this:  Bono would be infected with this worldwide pathogen and released into the wild, whereas he would go about his daily normalcy.  That is, talking about himself constantly, singing about himself, Oprah's couching about his condition!  This was the perfect plan!  Theory being that the world so requires Bono (much like gravity itself.) Thus the mere thought of him perishing from this plague would lead to a universal  consciousness that would in fact heal this disease!  If there is one thing "The Secret" has taught us all it is that the universe demands Bono, it needs Bono, let’s face it the universe is Bono.

I then woke up, of course covered in sweat, my heart pounding and filled with the universal knowledge of the ancients.  I suddenly applied this new science of Bono-universal relevance theory to modern day plagues and figured it all out!  It really is so simple:  Because the entirety of the universe feeds off of the awesomeness that is Bono, the mere infection of minor diseases to this host would lead to the cure of said ill!  Stop buying Red electronics!  Stop trying to win Aids walks!  We only need to ask that the almighty himself take on the challenge of disease, one at a time and we will all live forever!  So for this year’s Christmas message I would like to proclaim: 

 For all of humanity Bono, please get AIDS! 

This entire blog was written as mere satire and for all of those teams of lawyers that Bono employs, please remember back to when you were wee little ones and had souls and could laugh. This product is made for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by bank number. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval 

Oh those silly RMTs

Let me preface this vague attempt at humor by saying that I believe in freedom entirely, to do, spend and express yourself as you please.  If there are game mechanics such as power leveling, botting, and buying in game currency with real cash, that have not been fixed server side, I really don't care.  I believe if someone wishes to pay real money for in game items let them.  There is a small family in China, deep inside a straw hut with a $5000 gaming rig that depends on the laziness and cheating ways of rich American gamers to feed their families.  I support them, they deserve a chance to go to wal-mart and eat fast food just like the rest of free world.  Let me also preface this with saying I don't use these services, mostly because I love the exp grind, I truly believe during a rather messy divorce, I was lifted out of the hate and mess and placed into a nice happy place in good ole' Azeroth, leveling the nights away.

I do however keep tabs on these silly Chinese opportunists.  I watch their characters in-game, get spammed by them, and visit their websites every time they message me.  Why you may ask?  Mostly I am fascinated by the straw hut gaming rig scenario, but also these guys speak a great version of engrish.  Yes engrish that weird mix of english done mostly through an auto translator, you can't make this stuff up it is an absolute comedy gold mine.  For your entertainment a few examples follow, and by all means keep on cheating, there may be a small communist family depending on you!

"Price makes for paradise, special offers for you ever-ever-ever-ever-yday.
Financial crisis? Wow, cakes for us and of course, for our respectable customers: Special Everyday Program is here for you.You can buy our special offers at down-to-ice-point price today, oh no, EVERYDAY! gamerize your life!"

"For years, your supports and suggestions are never rest. You have been keeping shedding light on us. We know who you are, yes we know you well. In the game when you're in battle for your honor, up in the sky flying, diving into the water swimming, now at this time, in this place, our respectable customers, you become specials. In return, we give our specials to you,  What will I profit if I buy today's special?"

"Christmas Holidays approaches, the temperature is dropping and the calendar is down to its last few pages, the year-end holidays are upon us, it is the time for the celebrations commence and to express our gratitude to our valued customers during the Christmas.  we have ladled out especially designed the Promotion Area for your choice. 600 pieces of $72 coupons and hot sale items at a price you can not pass up!"

"3% off, Now you can be just like the legends of the Old West and ride into town on your faithful steed, dispensing raw justice from your saddle bag!"

"My name is Fred,I just mail to inform you on a piece of good news the prices on igxe are all marked down because from now on we will walk a cheap line. Price will never rise awfully."

More coming still looking through 1000's of emails...

 

Another shit storm

I was this close to going off on the current political machine that is the ghetto nation we have created.  Executive hate and little man love is the norm, where values are for sale and mobs rule.  People actually are blaming the job creators and somehow forgetting this entire economic issue began with the sub-prime mortgage holders, (that's you poor people.)  A government that will pay off your mortgage, fill your tank and associate with known terrorists.  A president who was born in Kenya, lies about birth certification, and ponders the possibility of raising gas prices to five dollars a gallon to make way for the new age of green.  The mob based, socialist republic of Chicago is even deeply linked to this new administration, where "job favors" run as deep as the first lady herself, the evidence being shockingly clear as the Governor himself was caught trying to sell Mr. Obama's seat...

Bah I think I'll leave it.  This is so blatant I really don't have to wax political, even the most mundane of minds out there should be able to comprehend the downfall of liberty all around us.  I will therefore bloviate on a different storm, you know the old "if you don't like the weather in Georgia..."  Despite the democrats attempt at melting the ice caps and starting a global holocaust created not by man, but by natural cycles of the sun.  This has been the coldest November in recent records.  Switch that to yesterday which was in the 7o's hot and humid.  This is obviously climate change, have you noticed that?  Enough of the scientific community has moved so far away from the maniacs of the green revolution, that they are currently back pedaling into just "climate change."  This way just like in the 1970's when they promised a new ice age, the fix will be in place so everyone will slyly back out of the room and say "what global warming?"  This is Esperanto all over again wake up dummies.

Today's weather promises to bring severe weather with 2-3 inches of rain and tornadoes.  This must be blamed on the republicans and big business and the auto executives riding around in their private jets, not Al Gore and his daily 32,000 pounds of a carbon boot-print...  Of course tomorrow is going to be snowy and in the 30's this is of course that pesky ice age approaching, better go crank the hybrid SUV up and start looking for some place to dump my highly toxic perpetually existing batteries I change every 4 years, because after all dumping tons of poisons that never go away into the earth, will probably save the polar bears that are sure to appear by Friday...  What follows is further proof that I am a 30 year old curmudgeon, yes numerous weather blogs:

Previous weather grumps:

• 85mph super storm

• Snow 1 humans 0 

• Local whores agree, it cold 

• Global warming recession

• ...again with the snow 

• perhaps a canoe 

• Schizo weather alert 

• Cozumel the flood thereof 

• Weather boobs map humor attempt 

• more old people weather blogs...  

Maltese meat tomfoolery

I dropped some Wendy's on the ole' puppy and double stack fun ensued!  This is really all I got right now!  It will all be over soon...